The woman with an all-consuming crush
Last modified on Thu 16 Apr 2020 10.43 BST
I love my boyfriend, but after five years together my feelings are not as strong as they used to be. Meanwhile, I’ve had a very intense crush on a famous musician for 15 years. Despite the fact that he is now bald and nearing 40, I am utterly obsessed. My boyfriend knows about my crush, but not the extent of it.
I’ve read, watched and listened to countless interviews with the musician, and feel I know almost as much about him as I do my partner. He’s kind, creative, cultured, vegan and an animal lover – basically, everything that I look for in a man, and many things that my boyfriend is not.
I am under no illusion that he and I will ever be together, but I fantasise constantly about us meeting, becoming lovers and eventually having a daughter together. I also think about him when I masturbate and, I’m ashamed to say, even when I’m in bed with my boyfriend. In a weird way, I am in love with him, even though he has no idea that I exist.
My boyfriend and I are about to buy a house together, but I find myself dreaming of running away and finding a job in the same city as the musician, on the off-chance that we should meet.
Our relationship has had more difficulties in the past year, and less sex, so perhaps my crush is acting as a surrogate for my emotional and sexual needs. As my daydreaming has intensified, I worry that my real sex life can never live up to the fantasy one.
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